Escaping the Labyrinth
by fishfingersandcustard333
Summary: Alaska Young's last few minutes as a person. What goes through her mind, what she remembers and untimely what thoughts drive her to take her own life.


AN: Let me just say that yes, in this fanfiction Alaska commits suicide. But, not because I think it's less sad or that I think she should have, just because I can't imagine Alaska's death being an accident.

I hear the fireworks and can barely make myself wait for the Eagle to run after Pudge and the Colonel before speeding away from the Creek. _Pathetic_, I poisonously scream to myself, absolutely disgusted. I killed my mother and I can't even remember to simply put white flowers on her grave on the anniversary of the day I did. Sure I've been angry with myself before, _really_ angry even but tonight is different. Tonight I hate myself. And I hate myself for not hating myself sooner. How many times can one person screw up? Too many. Everything I touch just seems to fall apart.

God, I'd even cheated on Jake and not even thought about it when he called. Oh, Jake… Oh, _Pudge._ Lord, I'm such an _idiot!_ I drive faster. I look at the clock and see it's already past midnight. I'd already missed it. I'm so sorry mom. But my thoughts immediately stray back to Pudge. How long has he liked me? He must have or I don't think he would have kissed me. It's not like he does things on impulse like me. Does he know that that's all it was? He's adorable and a genius and a good friend and maybe I've had feelings for him for a while but I love Jake. I love Jake. Do I anymore? Jesus, I don't know anything anymore beside the fact that I'm a disappointment to everyone.

How disappointed is my mother? Can she even feel disappointment where she is? God, I hope not. For her sake and for everyone's. What would an afterlife be if our emotions were still the same, if everything we felt didn't change? It wouldn't be an escape from the labyrinth. Isn't that the only way out anyway? Where there is life there is suffering. It can't change. At least not anytime soon, not for me. Death is being found after a life of being lost. Lost in the labyrinth. For the first time I realize death isn't a curse, it's a gift.

The clock flashes at me again. I feel like if I somehow drive faster I can still get there in time but I can't. I'm already a half an hour late. It doesn't matter but I keep going. I have to try. I have to show my mom that I care. And if not my mom than me. It's such a small act, putting flowers on a grave, but it's always been the least I could do. I let you die mommy and years later I'm still failing you. You think I would have learned but Alaska Young can't really learn from her mistakes, can she?

Why is that? I laughed at myself. _Because you're a crazy, screwed up idiot, _I harshly told myself. A couple seconds later the real answer dawned on me. Because I'm too scared. I'm too scared to try really hard to not fail everyone and still end up failing. I'm scared to let myself believe that I really am that hopeless. I'm scared that I wouldn't be worth anything to the world if I was. So I didn't try. And I realize now that if I had at least even tried to do better I could have been worth something but now I'm not. All I do is mess up over and over and over. I never stop.

I even ratted out Paul and Marya. The Colonel had hated me for it. He'd been right too; he'd needed to watch me. When he turned his back on me for five seconds during the prank I'd still done something wrong in his mind.

The world, at least my world, would be so much less damaged if I hadn't existed. Yes, I've done good things. I've made masterpieces and helped people and been the light in someone's dark but of all the good I've done does it outweigh the bad? My mind strays back to what I had written beside the labyrinth quote. _Straight & fast. _I had known what I meant back then but I know it better now.

The thought had been in my mind for I don't even know how long but I had always pushed it away because until right this very second it seemed ridiculous. But right this very second it didn't seem ridiculous. My thoughts stray from suicide as I see blinking lights in the distance. My heart drops when I realize it's a cop car. I can't make it past them. They'll catch me. The thoughts I was having returned. There could be a way out of this…a way out of all of it. _Straight & fast_, I think. _Straight & fast._ Like on no impulse I've ever had before I make the decision and brace myself, thinking that in this single act I'll never have to be scared of failing again. I'm done with this maze of suffering that never really ends. I'm doing it. I stomp down on the gas pedal and go flying. I see the cop's headlights blaring through my windshield as he gets closer and say to myself "Well, I'm finally escaping the labyrinth." How's that for last words, eh Pudge? Whatever comes next, I believe it does not include the labyrinth. I'm two seconds away from the other car and I know this is real. I'm Alaska Young and I'm not forever. So my screw-ups can't be either. I spend my last second as a person thinking not of everything I've ruined but of all my days, the best one. And then I'm gone. I have escaped.


End file.
